Tinder Moments, Part Two.

Hello fellow Earthlings,

How are all of you gorgeous creatures today? I need to be better about posting not just sporadically. I admit to not being super active on Tinder the past few months. I commute to my big-girl job (which I recently got promoted to at the end of March: salary, benefits, errythang. Woo!), work, go to the gym, drive home, eat dinner, and then usually watch TV or read with a glass of wine and a cat in my lap. I know. I'm really exciting, you don't have to tell me twice. I'm currently at my favorite hipster cafe, drinking an Americano, eating a chocolate-chip-salted-caramel-pretzel-oatmeal cookie, and relishing my one day off a week. I got to see a good friend last night (and make some new ones); I was mentioning my blog to them and realized, shit, I need to update! Working on a three-part post that I've been saving because trust me, it's a doozy. For now, though, let's enjoy some Tinder Moments, shall we?

Here's this gentleman, thinking he's clever as shit:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE SO CLEVER, SIR. TOTES GONNA SHOW YOU ALL THE NIPPLE NOW OBVIOUSLY WAY TO GO. Also if you were somehow unaware, I maintain that dick pics are the most disgusting things on the planet, and most women do not like to receive them. In fact, if we DO get one, we will send it to our friends or show it to our friends in person and analyze your, uh, shortcomings. And laugh. Heartily. It does make for an entertaining pastime, however. Just please be aware gentle sirs that if you do in fact send an (unsolicited) dick pic to someone, you're also sending it to all of their friends. If they request one, odds are slightly less that they'll be showing all their friends. But only slightly less. Now you know.

(Also if you've never watched any Ja'mie: Private School Girl, stop reading this and go watch it.)

 

oMg DoN't YoU lOvE tHaT i TyPe LiKe A tWeLvE-yEaR oLd GiRl'S aIm PrOfIlE fRoM 2002 aNd I'm A gRoWn-AsS mAn?!

So which one are you? The bold man facing forward because you look like a naked, tiny, besunglassed Fabio? Or one of the random asses around you? Also do men really do this as some sort of weird bonding activity? Because there are a LOT of these kinds of shots on Tinder. Seriously? Is this a thing? Men go hiking and then just get nekkid and take pictures of it? 

I have a feeling you wouldn't like my self, Mr. Tenter. Not at all. Sweet Cosby sweater, though.

(Also if you've never seen High Fidelity WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.)

Oh wow, can I meet your dad? He clearly instilled great values and lessons on how to respect women and probably how to treat humanity in general. I bet you think strippers like you, too.

If you use "gay" in this fashion, you are the worst kind of human being, I don't care who you are, and you most certainly are NOT a gentleman. Gay is not an insult. But this is: go fuck yourself. And finally, to round out our newest batch of Tinder Moments:

And I just barfed from your Tinder profile.

Tinder Moments

Now, I've talked a lot about guys that I have actually gone on dates with on this blog (notable exceptions most recently found here and here); but what about those that don't make the cut? There's an assumption out there, that, since I have this blog, I must be talking to every person and auto-matching with every person, completely undiscerning. And that's where you're wrong, good friend. I am actually, genuinely interested in trying to meet cool people, and I have! Not everyone on there is a complete toolbag. But who wants to hear about the cool people when you know you're only here to read about the scum-sucking road whores. Today's post is dedicated to the men with pictures/profiles so atrocious, I laughed with horror or sheer disgust, took screenshots, and said goodbye.

Oh, and if you hadn't guessed, this post will be NSFW. Because, you know, butts and such. To kick us off right, here's some tasteful, suggested nudity:

Ohhh baby, your peen looks like an iPhone, that's hot. Wait, is it an iPhone 4? 4s? 5? 6? 6 PLUS? Now we're talking.

Yeah, thanks for telling me what I'm here for, false Cupid. You're not even wearing a diaper; what kind of cupid are you? 

I'll take Option B, thanks.

"You want chivalry? I've got chivalry coming out of MY ASS!"

No comment because ALL THE COMMENTS, the predominate one being: NO.

In case you can't read his description, it says, "Super not impressed. Where's the quality? More turned off than anything & still yet to be turned on by anyone. 3 months & not even a single date. I won't write you, because I prefer to know you actually read this. Please do not match me only to ignore me. Apparently my honesty, standards, morals, character and values make me difficult. Chances are you're just lazy, don't know what you want & end up playing it safe w/the easy guy. I live 15% of my life as a rockstar the other 85% I spend alone."

Wow, okay, let's translate that. "Hi, I'm a hypocritical, condescending douchebag. I won't message you, but I'll be upset if we match and you don't talk to me, because that's logical. I haven't met with anyone in-person yet because I'm incredibly full of shit, yet I think of myself as a 'nice guy,' and as such, I always finish last. The world owes me more than it is giving me, and I'm pissed about it. My ego is large, and I'm incredibly entitled because I'm a relatively attractive white man. Change my mind because my default setting is: every woman is a bitch unless she conforms with exactly what I want, when I want it. 100% of the time, I'm a terrible human being."

"Beer...And guns, and shit.. Stanford... Blah blah blah. Swipe left if you think your vagina is the center of the universe. Or if it's some sort of black hole sucking up everything within sigh [sic]. people [sic] expect way too much out of this app. Swipe left if you're looking for a husband. I will not follow you on IG, ever. Yes I have a Lamborghini and no you cannot ride in it. 'Sometimes all you need is to not read a corny quote on someone's profile.'"

WOW ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR A WIFE BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST PERFECT IN EVERY FACET, SIR. I GUESS I'LL SWIPE LEFT SINCE YOU DON'T WANNA PUT A RING ON IT, YOU CLASSY BASTARD. And speaking of husbands...

"I am married. You will probably say good men are all taken or married. Do not hesitate to contact me if your instinct tells you to do so. I do not message first given my situation. Pierced nipples are sexy. I believe in fair trade if you know what I mean."

By Jove, I DO know what you mean. Fair trade is super important to agriculture! You're so wise, and clearly impressive and comfortable with yourself and your life. And, we have to end with my current favorite, whose name I didn't erase because this is clearly NOT his real name (and if it is... well who cares?):

I would say I hope these gentlemen have success on Tinder, but not so much...