Now, I've talked a lot about guys that I have actually gone on dates with on this blog (notable exceptions most recently found here and here); but what about those that don't make the cut? There's an assumption out there, that, since I have this blog, I must be talking to every person and auto-matching with every person, completely undiscerning. And that's where you're wrong, good friend. I am actually, genuinely interested in trying to meet cool people, and I have! Not everyone on there is a complete toolbag. But who wants to hear about the cool people when you know you're only here to read about the scum-sucking road whores. Today's post is dedicated to the men with pictures/profiles so atrocious, I laughed with horror or sheer disgust, took screenshots, and said goodbye.
Oh, and if you hadn't guessed, this post will be NSFW. Because, you know, butts and such. To kick us off right, here's some tasteful, suggested nudity:
Ohhh baby, your peen looks like an iPhone, that's hot. Wait, is it an iPhone 4? 4s? 5? 6? 6 PLUS? Now we're talking.
Yeah, thanks for telling me what I'm here for, false Cupid. You're not even wearing a diaper; what kind of cupid are you?
I'll take Option B, thanks.
"You want chivalry? I've got chivalry coming out of MY ASS!"
No comment because ALL THE COMMENTS, the predominate one being: NO.
In case you can't read his description, it says, "Super not impressed. Where's the quality? More turned off than anything & still yet to be turned on by anyone. 3 months & not even a single date. I won't write you, because I prefer to know you actually read this. Please do not match me only to ignore me. Apparently my honesty, standards, morals, character and values make me difficult. Chances are you're just lazy, don't know what you want & end up playing it safe w/the easy guy. I live 15% of my life as a rockstar the other 85% I spend alone."
Wow, okay, let's translate that. "Hi, I'm a hypocritical, condescending douchebag. I won't message you, but I'll be upset if we match and you don't talk to me, because that's logical. I haven't met with anyone in-person yet because I'm incredibly full of shit, yet I think of myself as a 'nice guy,' and as such, I always finish last. The world owes me more than it is giving me, and I'm pissed about it. My ego is large, and I'm incredibly entitled because I'm a relatively attractive white man. Change my mind because my default setting is: every woman is a bitch unless she conforms with exactly what I want, when I want it. 100% of the time, I'm a terrible human being."
"Beer...And guns, and shit.. Stanford... Blah blah blah. Swipe left if you think your vagina is the center of the universe. Or if it's some sort of black hole sucking up everything within sigh [sic]. people [sic] expect way too much out of this app. Swipe left if you're looking for a husband. I will not follow you on IG, ever. Yes I have a Lamborghini and no you cannot ride in it. 'Sometimes all you need is to not read a corny quote on someone's profile.'"
WOW ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR A WIFE BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST PERFECT IN EVERY FACET, SIR. I GUESS I'LL SWIPE LEFT SINCE YOU DON'T WANNA PUT A RING ON IT, YOU CLASSY BASTARD. And speaking of husbands...
"I am married. You will probably say good men are all taken or married. Do not hesitate to contact me if your instinct tells you to do so. I do not message first given my situation. Pierced nipples are sexy. I believe in fair trade if you know what I mean."
By Jove, I DO know what you mean. Fair trade is super important to agriculture! You're so wise, and clearly impressive and comfortable with yourself and your life. And, we have to end with my current favorite, whose name I didn't erase because this is clearly NOT his real name (and if it is... well who cares?):
I would say I hope these gentlemen have success on Tinder, but not so much...
I possess a Master's Degree in English. It hasn't done a lot for me at this point, except to solidify my nerdiness and sound impressive at parties and on job interviews. People will ask me questions about grammar, spelling, syntax, etc. And no, I'm not an actual expert in any of those areas, but thanks for thinking of me! Yet if someone does not know which "your" to use in a sentence, for example, or cannot spell worth a damn, I admit to being prejudiced against them. It bothers the hell out of me, particularly when it's coming from a person who says they are a college graduate, or working on an advanced degree, or work in a specialized field. I do not hesitate to call people out on their shitty spelling and/or grammar. For example:
Yeah okay I'm kind of a sarcastic bitch, but I admit that in my profile, and in my daily life, of course. But I mean, c'mon dude, what am I supposed to do with that?
Somebody needed to tell him.
I am quite lucky, however, that most dudes have not gotten violent or rude with me; I've seen enough examples on the internet of men getting disgusting towards women when women put them in their place or reject them. I've only had one guy message me to say "Lol your huge." I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "Your fat haha." And I said something along the lines of "At least I can spell and know proper grammar, fuckface." And then unmatched him. This was back in July or August and sadly I didn't take a screenshot. Lesson learned: always screenshot when something ridiculous happens to you with social media. Always.
Recently, I matched with a guy who almost immediately began sending me dirty "poetry." At first, I thought they were Drake or Chris Brown lyrics, and I was disappointed in the lack of originality. And then I realized no, these are in fact original "erotic" "poems." Then I was just grossed out. Behold:
His profile mentioned recently starting to drink coffee, hence, the line about coffee. And, you know, HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO THAT? "Oooh baby yeah/You're one of the bad boys /Whatchu gon' do /When they come for you /Bad boys, bad boys." Yet it didn't stop there. I'll just let our conversation speak for itself.
All things considered, I feel like I was quite nice and helpful. He actually went on to thank me again for being so helpful. I also missed a screenshot of that because I was doing other things and when I went back to Tinder to get that final caption, he had unmatched us, and my Tinder lothario had vanished. Always get a screenshot, Nicole! Terrible.
Sometimes, men just need to be called out on their gross bullshit. And I'm not afraid to do that if the need arises. *Insert dick joke here.*
