Tinder Moments, Part Two.

Hello fellow Earthlings,

How are all of you gorgeous creatures today? I need to be better about posting not just sporadically. I admit to not being super active on Tinder the past few months. I commute to my big-girl job (which I recently got promoted to at the end of March: salary, benefits, errythang. Woo!), work, go to the gym, drive home, eat dinner, and then usually watch TV or read with a glass of wine and a cat in my lap. I know. I'm really exciting, you don't have to tell me twice. I'm currently at my favorite hipster cafe, drinking an Americano, eating a chocolate-chip-salted-caramel-pretzel-oatmeal cookie, and relishing my one day off a week. I got to see a good friend last night (and make some new ones); I was mentioning my blog to them and realized, shit, I need to update! Working on a three-part post that I've been saving because trust me, it's a doozy. For now, though, let's enjoy some Tinder Moments, shall we?

Here's this gentleman, thinking he's clever as shit:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE SO CLEVER, SIR. TOTES GONNA SHOW YOU ALL THE NIPPLE NOW OBVIOUSLY WAY TO GO. Also if you were somehow unaware, I maintain that dick pics are the most disgusting things on the planet, and most women do not like to receive them. In fact, if we DO get one, we will send it to our friends or show it to our friends in person and analyze your, uh, shortcomings. And laugh. Heartily. It does make for an entertaining pastime, however. Just please be aware gentle sirs that if you do in fact send an (unsolicited) dick pic to someone, you're also sending it to all of their friends. If they request one, odds are slightly less that they'll be showing all their friends. But only slightly less. Now you know.

(Also if you've never watched any Ja'mie: Private School Girl, stop reading this and go watch it.)

 

oMg DoN't YoU lOvE tHaT i TyPe LiKe A tWeLvE-yEaR oLd GiRl'S aIm PrOfIlE fRoM 2002 aNd I'm A gRoWn-AsS mAn?!

So which one are you? The bold man facing forward because you look like a naked, tiny, besunglassed Fabio? Or one of the random asses around you? Also do men really do this as some sort of weird bonding activity? Because there are a LOT of these kinds of shots on Tinder. Seriously? Is this a thing? Men go hiking and then just get nekkid and take pictures of it? 

I have a feeling you wouldn't like my self, Mr. Tenter. Not at all. Sweet Cosby sweater, though.

(Also if you've never seen High Fidelity WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.)

Oh wow, can I meet your dad? He clearly instilled great values and lessons on how to respect women and probably how to treat humanity in general. I bet you think strippers like you, too.

If you use "gay" in this fashion, you are the worst kind of human being, I don't care who you are, and you most certainly are NOT a gentleman. Gay is not an insult. But this is: go fuck yourself. And finally, to round out our newest batch of Tinder Moments:

And I just barfed from your Tinder profile.

The Worst Pablo Neruda Ever.

I possess a Master's Degree in English. It hasn't done a lot for me at this point, except to solidify my nerdiness and sound impressive at parties and on job interviews. People will ask me questions about grammar, spelling, syntax, etc. And no, I'm not an actual expert in any of those areas, but thanks for thinking of me! Yet if someone does not know which "your" to use in a sentence, for example, or cannot spell worth a damn, I admit to being prejudiced against them. It bothers the hell out of me, particularly when it's coming from a person who says they are a college graduate, or working on an advanced degree, or work in a specialized field. I do not hesitate to call people out on their shitty spelling and/or grammar. For example:

Yeah okay I'm kind of a sarcastic bitch, but I admit that in my profile, and in my daily life, of course. But I mean, c'mon dude, what am I supposed to do with that?

Somebody needed to tell him.

I am quite lucky, however, that most dudes have not gotten violent or rude with me; I've seen enough examples on the internet of men getting disgusting towards women when women put them in their place or reject them. I've only had one guy message me to say "Lol your huge." I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "Your fat haha." And I said something along the lines of "At least I can spell and know proper grammar, fuckface." And then unmatched him. This was back in July or August and sadly I didn't take a screenshot. Lesson learned: always screenshot when something ridiculous happens to you with social media. Always.

Recently, I matched with a guy who almost immediately began sending me dirty "poetry." At first, I thought they were Drake or Chris Brown lyrics, and I was disappointed in the lack of originality. And then I realized no, these are in fact original "erotic" "poems." Then I was just grossed out. Behold:

His profile mentioned recently starting to drink coffee, hence, the line about coffee. And, you know, HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO THAT? "Oooh baby yeah/You're one of the bad boys /Whatchu gon' do /When they come for you /Bad boys, bad boys." Yet it didn't stop there. I'll just let our conversation speak for itself.

All things considered, I feel like I was quite nice and helpful. He actually went on to thank me again for being so helpful. I also missed a screenshot of that because I was doing other things and when I went back to Tinder to get that final caption, he had unmatched us, and my Tinder lothario had vanished. Always get a screenshot, Nicole! Terrible.

Sometimes, men just need to be called out on their gross bullshit. And I'm not afraid to do that if the need arises. *Insert dick joke here.*